During the tantrum, she did and said some hurtful things to me. She said that she didn't like me and that she wished she were with her daddy. While the rational me knows that all this is normal during this type of episode, it was still hurtful because it plays with my own inner demons. You know, those thoughts in your head that tell you what a horrible mother you are.
Back in the day, mothers were actually told that their child was autistic because of their poor mothering skills. They failed to provide enough love and interaction during their baby's development thus causing the autism. We know now that is entirely wrong. However, I've heard many a mother of an autistic child complain that when their child tantrums in public, they're met with either judgmental looks or comments. People have actually gone up to them and said things like, "Can't you handle your child?" or "Let me buy her the damn candy bar, if it means that crying would stop!" One friend told me that, while her daughter was having a meltdown in the grocery store, a woman came up and commented that her daughter was a "drama queen." "No," she replied, "my daughter has autism!"
The professionals who provide the autism services can also make comments that make you feel like a less than stellar mother. When I first had my daughter assessed by the school district because I felt that something wasn't right with her, the psychologist actually told me that I had the best girl in the world and that I needed parenting classes. It wasn't until she observed my daughter at her preschool that she called me with an apology and told me I was right about my daughter's autism. Other providers have told me that they wonder if an autistic child is truly autistic or the product of bad parenting. I know my parenting is always being looked at and dissected into pieces.
My daughter used to tantrum every day when I picked her up from preschool because she'd rather stay at school than go home with me. That hurt me on two levels. First, I had to deal with the looks from the other moms who I felt were judging my mothering ability (whether they actually were is probably irrelevant--it's how I felt). Second, I felt inadequate as a mom because my daughter didn't run and give me hugs like the other kids did with their mothers. Instead, she tantrummed as soon as she saw me because she didn't want to go home with me. This hurt my self-esteem. A lot.
This feeds into our own feelings that we caused our child's autism due to our bad parenting. While most of us know, on a rational level, that this isn't the case, I think ALL mothers of autistic children feel this way at some point in time--or at least wonder about it. These are the inner demons that I fight with when my daughter is having a tantrum. It's one that I think all mother's of autistic children deal with.
I wish I could tell those demons to go away. That I'm a loving, caring mother who is doing the best she can. After my daughter's tantrum ended and she ate some food, she told me how sorry she was and how much she loves me. I have to hold on to these moments, and the moments that she's perfectly behaved. It's hard, but I have to tell those inner demons to take a hike!
I am stopping by from SITS/31DBBB and just wanted to give you (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteYou are a great mom my friend... hugs to you!!
ReplyDeleteIf it is any help, all my kids have said/treated me like that one time or another. Same with teachers and the like, with all of them. They're not all autistic, but those feelings come no matter if anyone in your life is on the spectrum or not.
ReplyDeleteSo often normal things come in our lives that we wind up attributing to autism, when it is just a mom thing. So we do get a change to be 'regular moms', good times AND bad.
Also, my personal belief is that a child needs to feel VERY secure to express that to you. Often abused children are scared to say "I hate you". A child who knows there is unconditional love feels safe to express that.
They definitely have to take a hike! It's such a waste of our precious energy to think like that, but of course we all do at some point. We are only human and we can only shoulder so much. I'm so glad that she came around and apologized...that goes a long way!
ReplyDeleteI don't know what it's like to parent a child on the autism spectrum, so I'm not going to pretend I am able to fully understand what you go through. But I WILL tell you that I and most moms I talk to experience the feelings of "Is it me?" "Is something I have done causing this behavior?" and "Will my kid be talking about this in therapy when he/she is 20 (or 30 or 40)?" We all like to joke about it from time to time, but deep down we feel those questions--and the "I want Daddy" wounds--pretty deeply. So on that level, at least, I can relate. Just know that whoever your child is, whatever his/her quirks or strengths or manipulations, he/she didn't come with an instruction book, and we're all in it together, one day at a time, just doing the best we can to keep up and be strong, loving and insightful parents.
ReplyDeleteOf course you're a great mom! But I totally get you. I've felt many times that perhaps I had to have done something to cause the autism. Rational or not, it's how we feel. The looks you get, the questions you get asked...it all plays into it. It's so hard on an emotional level. On another note, hunger is a HUGE trigger for my oldest! Not fun!
ReplyDelete*BIG ol' virtual hug* Thank you for writing this! My friend who has an autistic son says that people judge her so much in public, too, when her child has a tantrum. In general, people judge you as a mom if your kid doesn't fit in that "let's see and not hear our kids" mentality. Why should every kid be the same? This is where we have it wrong. We need to celebrate our children as they are...yes guide them...but if they are strong willed and opinionated (autistic or not), well, let's not try to stamp it out of them. We need strong people in this world. Love that your site is bringing awareness. =)
ReplyDeleteStopping by from 31BBB and just want to reach out and give you a hug and tell you you're my hero for doing such a great job in the face of such hard challenges.
ReplyDeleteStopping by from 31DBBB, I empathize with you. Although I don't have autistic children, I know what it's like to feel less than as a mother because of the actions of your child. Just know that you are doing the best you can with all of the love that you have for child. My best to both of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm adding to the virtual hugs! The fact that this bothers you shows that you're a wonderful mom. Bad moms don't think like this!
ReplyDeleteYou are a loving caring mother who is doing the best she can. You are also human. This is for you sorry about the length.The Special Mother
ReplyDeleteby Erma Bombeck
Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice,
a few by social pressure and a couple by habit.
This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children.
Did you ever wonder how these mothers are chosen?
Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth
Selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation.
As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew."
"Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia."
"Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."
Finally he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a handicapped child."
The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a handicapped child a mother who knows no laughter?
That would be cruel."
"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair.
Once the shock and resentment wear off she'll handle it."
"I watched her today.
She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother.
You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of it's own.
She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."
"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive.
Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect.
She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.
She will never take for granted a spoken word.
She will never consider a step ordinary.
When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it.
I will permit her to see clearly the things I see--ignorance, cruelty,
prejudice--and allow her to rise above them.
She will never be alone.
I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life
Because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."
"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air. God smiles.
"A mirror will suffice."
I, too, know about the seclusion and loneliness you speak of. I very rarely take my boys into a store anymore due to their constant meltdowns and aggression.
ReplyDeleteI actually want to get a shirt that says, 'My kids are autistic, whats your excuse?" to deal with all the rolling eyes and unhelpful advice I have received in the past. I am so tired of feeling like I have to explain my children and myself to complete strangers.
I have had autism professionals look at me and say, "We don't know how you do it" and act like that is some sort of compliment. Its not.
I hope that you know that you are not alone and that many of us walk in the same shoes as you do.
I think it is strength and compassion in numbers!
I have only "known" you a short time and only through this blogosphere but it is apparent what a wonderful and loving mother you are. I can only imagine how the mom guilt must be magnified and the feeling of being judged magnified as well when you have a child with autism. I'm sorry you're going through this right now but I admire your strength to share your story...not only does it bring awareness but brings other families together who are living with autism and lets them know they're not alone. *HUG*
ReplyDeleteLike a previous poster said, I can't pretend to know what it's like to have a child with autism, but ALL mothers go through this. When I worked part-time after Sawyer was born, my MIL babysat him. He'd CRY and cling to her when I came home and tried to hold him. I was devastated. It got to where my husband (he works from home) had to tell her to leave before I came home because I was so upset about the whole thing. When he was older, he was the same kid who clung to me, screaming, when I tried to have him participate in a gym class - where all my friends' kids were having a fab time!
ReplyDeleteSo you always wonder what you're doing wrong, and you're always being judged (or thinking that your are). Obviously, autism adds a whole different dimension.
One thing that I've gained since reading blogs like yours and Sunday's is I definitely think twice when I see a child tantruming. I wonder if the child might have autism, and I feel empathy for the parents - something I'm not sure I did before.
So thank you for speaking about your experiences. It helps event those of us without kids on the spectrum.
Wow. Thank you for being so open and honest with your feelings. So often we women try to hide those darker feeling and just pretend that everything is fine. Having people open up and talk about it gives validation to all those others who feel this way.
ReplyDeleteYou are a wonderful mother. You work so hard to know and do what is best for your daughter. Sometimes even when we do everything right, bad things happen. People hurt us.
You are incredible. Believe in yourself.
I'm with everyone here, but it can't be said enough; you are a wonderful mother! You cared enough to go through getting your child diagnosed and doing whatever you can to help here. I've followed you as you have rejoiced in the little break-throughs and can tell through your words how overjoyed they make you. I don't know what it's like with a child on the spectrum, but I do know what it's like to have strangers stare at you while your child is throwing a tantrum! I just ignore them - they have no idea what we are dealing with at that moment. As for feeling inadequate, we ALL feel it at one point or another. That doesn't make us bad mothers. It makes us human. Keep fighting those demons. Sending you {{HUGS}}
ReplyDeleteGosh, every time my boy tells me he doesn't love me because he is mad at me - I just laugh and tell him I am ok with that. I figure it is part of parenting. If your kid doesn't tell you at some point that they hate you, you aren't doing it right as far as I am concerned. Not that I expect that sort of treatment every day, but as moms, we do have to say no and that does make them mad. When he was younger I just acknowledged his emotions and said that was ok and tried not to laugh. Now that he is older when he says something like that I start listing all the good things I do for him and comment on just how horrid it is of me to do all those wonderful nice things for him (ice cream, toys, dinner tv, etc) until he acknowledges how silly hating me really is. Of course, I was raised by parents who thought tantrums were pretty funny - so... there you go. They used to take photos for proof later of how ridiculous I was. They were always threatening to show them to my future boyfriends.
ReplyDeleteWow! People actually say that? That is wrong. And since even professionals don't see you day to day they can not make any real judgement. You are a great mom!
ReplyDeleteIt got to the point with Avery that I made up some little cards that say "my kids not a brat, he has aspergers" and then It said a little bit about AS. I had to use it on a clerk one day when she said something about him rubbing his face all up and down my arm cause he was stressed, she told him it look weird. lol It did look weird.
ReplyDeleteWell writen lady, Love your style.
I'm sorry that you had to write this, but I know we all feel it.. I took my little guy to the amusement park today... and it wasn't a good day for either of us... things I know he would normally love to do fell by the wayside... but we ended up prevailing by sitting together and watching other kids ride a ride... he got just as much from the visual as he would have from being a part of it.. there was nothing anyone could have done differently... and I take a deep breath and know that... so we just pick ourselves up and start a new day tomorrow... I hope it's better for you guys!
ReplyDeleteWhat a moving post. First - absolutely adding to the hugs. Very good friends of ours have a daughter with autism. When she was little - folks didn't seem to be so judgmental at her outbursts. Now that she is 16, however, they experience much of what you are talking about.
ReplyDeleteIt is so awesome that you are speaking about this - I truly believe it does raise awareness. And hopefully it helps you get the kudos you need and deserve through your readers.
So nice to meet you through #31DBBB.
Cate
Thank you for being so honest about your experiences and feelings. I have a child with a genetic condition and family members were constantly trying to figure out "what I did wrong" when I was pregnant to have caused this issue. I don't think our guilt as mothers, care-givers or child bearers ever goes away. I know it was just something that happened, nothing I caused but others who judge our lives don't make it easy on us.
ReplyDeleteYou are an excellent mother. Keep talking about your amazing journey, there are others who will benefit from your honestly and experience.
i totally know how u feel. this was an excellently written post of what it feels like to be a mom of such a child and i have been in these situations a lot.
ReplyDeleteu r a great mom.
*great big bloggy hugs to you!*
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing the tidbit about how autism used to be blamed on mom. That sounds horrible! Kudos to your friend for correcting that woman at the grocery store.
you are always sooo open and honest. on top of that you focus on the positive! YOU are wonderful (((((((wonderful, wonderful))))))
ReplyDeleteThis is such a good, honest, self-aware post. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteDarls, I've been there many times (as recent as just this morning, actually!) and it is hard but we can do it ;)
ReplyDeleteTake a deeeep breath and chant "I rock at this Mamma gig and my girl will shine as a person".
Cos we all do.
And all our kids will :)
((((HUGS)))) from another #31DBBB member. Great post.
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
ReplyDeleteI just finished a book, "Live to Tell" by Lisa Gardener. It's a suspense book with the issue of children with inner demons as a backdrop. It does NOT have anything to do w/ autism, but your post reminded me of it.
She said she thought of writing the book because she'd always casually judged the parents when a kid was misbehaving in a major way - like a huge tantrum in public. Then one day it was her good friend's son who was misbehaving terribly. She said she knew her friend was a good parent, and felt bad for all the times she'd judged parents based on their kids' behavior.
It's opened my eyes and my understanding.
As a former social worker, I am sorry that you have come across so many helping professionals who have contributed to you feeling not good enough. From your description, it sounds like these folks aren't suited for the work and aren't educated enough to help you. I'm sorry that they didn't listen to you and reserve their judgement until after they had completed their assessment.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing the best you can do and you need professionals to support you, not tear you down.
Hold onto those precious moments and don't let anyone take them away from you. :-)
I get a little bit of what you're saying as a parent of a child with ADHD and other issues. I lost count a long time ago of how many times I heard "He just needs some discipline" or better yet "he just needs a good spanking!" OH or my favorite, "just give me that kid for a week and I'll have him straightened out!"
ReplyDeleteAs. If.
You know what I believe about this kind of crap already.
ReplyDeleteJust keep doing what you're doing. Your gut is all that matters.
Wow! What an outpouring of support! I love it! Thank you all so much. When I wrote this post, even though I was writing from the perspective of a mom parenting a child on the spectrum, I fully intended for ALL moms to relate to it! I'm glad (I guess) to guess it's not just us special needs moms that feel this way. I do think we get hit harder with it though!
ReplyDeleteThere are just those people who judge everything and everyone. People used to judge my daughter just because of the way she dressed (in all black) and I would tell not to let them bother her because the Bible clearly tells us we are not to judge others lest we be judge. So, their time is coming.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the visit. 31DBBB
My heart hurts for you here Cheryl. You are not a bad mom. Quite the contrary. You didn't cause this, don't make it worse, can't heal it and I cannot imagine the sadness and worry you live with each day.
ReplyDeletePeople judge because they don't know...and they judge because they are uncomfortable...and they judge because they don't have the strength and character and will to make things as good for your daughter as possible.
You are a wonder.
And don't you forget it!
Hugs, hope, friendship and prayers.
Keep looking up, sweetie. Keep looking for the hope. I cannot imagine your pain or your weariness.
I can only tell you honestly and sincerely that I admire your strength and determination.
I'm right with you.
ReplyDeleteIn my case my own mother still believes as they did back in the day, that my children's autism is because of my bad parenting (or what she thinks is bad parenting- not keeping my house clean- really that's her issue). All of us mothers feel inadequate and insecure at times. BUT we ALL know what's best for our kids, and we're all doing our best.
I too get sad when my kids say they hate me, or don't come to me or worse... when they seem as happy with a complete stranger as they do with me at times.
Great, inspiring, post! Thank you for putting it so well.
I can only imagine how hard that must be as a mom. I was a nanny for an autistic 9 year old for awhile and he could be really hurtful in the middle of tantrums.
ReplyDeleteWhen I picked him up from school each day, he'd throw a fit and scream that he didn't want to go home with me. I was terrified that they thought I abused him or something. Then one time he told his teacher that I treat him like a dog. He also told his teachers that his parents abused him when, in fact, his parents are amazing and NON-abusive parents.
So many times in the middle of tantrums, he'd tell me how much he hated me and that he wished he didn't know me and that he hoped I would never come back. I love that kid it was tough hearing those kind of things.
I can sympathize, but I know it must be so much harder to be a mom.
*big hugs* I cannot believe parents of autistic children were told it was due to not enough nurturing and bad parenting! And you are so right that the stigma exists today. My oldest son is almost three and I don't believe he's autistic, but he's had a couple public episodes where he was really hard to control.
ReplyDeleteSince having children (toddlers oh, especially) I look at other mothers in public with sympathetic eyes. We should be offering assistance and support of our neighbors, not judgment and shunning. It's sad.
Thank you for sharing this.
Stopping in from SITS and Confessions of Dr. Mom. You post was very moving and in ways I can totally relate to your feelings. I am new to the blogging world but feel free to check out what I have up so far. My daughter has a rare chromosome disorder and is at risk for some form of autism. The idea of it scares me and on some days I see a little of it come out in her. She is social but can also be very unattached and when she is mad it is almost impossible to get her to calm down. She also has a lot of other medical issues so I know the feeling of constantly being judged..its tough some days... but I do try to remind myself I am doing the best I can for her. I remind myself that I know what is best for my daughter and that onlookers do not know the whole story of what my daughter and I have endured. You sound like a strong and loving mom BIG HUGS <3
ReplyDeleteThat's horrible they thought that a mother could cause autism. I can understand the pain that it causes to have a child flip out because they don't want to go home with you. It would be hard to keep those doubting feelings out.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can hang on to those loving moments and let that other stuff bounce right off.
hi there... over from melissa's blog (dr. mom). wow, thank you so much for writing this. although i had a brief time working with an autistic child many years ago, i think i had forgotten... and certainly have no idea what it's like to be a parent in your shoes. this is such an enlightening post, and i'm so glad i read it. being judgmental of other parents is so destructive, and yet also (sadly) it's so very easy. i appreciate the reminder that there's often more to the story than meets the eye. already i think you are an incredible mom.
ReplyDeleteYou are the best mom you can be and don't let anyone tell you otherwise... they have not walked in your shoes.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Elizabeth
Autistic child or not, we all have days where we question our parenting. It's totally normal, and you're wise to know that those inner demons pulling at you are dead wrong. And show me a parent who says their child has never had at least one atomic tantrum in public, and I'll show you a parent who is full of baloney. Shame on those people who've criticized and corrected you in public! I have a hunch they're the very same people who themselves become cranky, unpleasant, and irrational beings when they're overtired or hungry!
ReplyDeleteThis post hit me in the gut because we have become a society that is unfriendly to children and if they don't act like perfect little adults, society judges them (and their mothers by extension). It just shows how we all could learn some sensitivity.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is only 5 months and I'm already sooo worried about being a bad mom! I'm sure it is so natural and good for you expressing your real emotions. I know other moms including me will take great comfort in knowing others have the same feelings!
ReplyDeleteI could have written this post....kinda scary! It's really hard when you child is really HF...but we are the moms who know our kids best! I wish dr's would listen more and society would be more understanding. At least we aren't alone!
ReplyDeleteHi. My son can't say these things to me, but my "typical" daughter does—when she's mad or irritated she's been known to say, "I DON'T LIKE YOU." She's also said, "I LOVE DADDY MORE."
ReplyDeleteIt's easy to be super-sensitive to our kids with special needs, I certainly am, but it's good to remember that it's very TYPICAL for them to manipulate you this way!