The other day, she was playing at her after-school program. Most of the other kids had already gone home by now. I went over to tell her it was time to go, but she refused to leave. In these cases, I've been instructed to try to give her a sense of control by giving her options. So, I used my standard, "You have a choice. You can leave by either walking with me or by me carrying you. It's your choice!" She always responds with, "I pick neither! I'm staying!" Then I say, "Okay, it's now my choice, and I choose to carry you!"
The problem is that she's getting to be a big girl and is getting too heavy for me to carry, and she's well aware of this! As I'm struggling to carry her to the car, she seemed really delighted with herself. I think she's discovered that my carrying-her-to-the-car days are numbered. I also think she liked hearing my moans and groans as I struggled to the car.
The next day during her bath, I tried to talk with her about her rigidity and how she needs to go back to being more flexible. "Maybe you should stop asking the question," she said. "What question are you talking about?" I asked. "You know, the question about whether I want to walk or be carried!" When that girl is right, she is right!
It still doesn't solve my dilemma though. And I'm not just talking about how to get her to the car when I can't carry her. I'm talking about how do I stay ahead of her intellectually. I don't think I can or ever could, for that matter. She's a smartie! I guess you can say that I've got my hands full figuratively too!
She sounds so much like my son. I finally had to change the options. Now instead of nice options there is one nice one. "You can walk to the car nicely with no fighting or you can walk to the car complaining and stay in your room when we get home". If he says neither I just say "oh that wasn't one of the options." and repeat the options again (and sometimes again and again). We have Aspergers, ADHD, ODD and one smart little guy so sometimes by the end of the day after trying to keep up with him I just mentally crash. Sending prayers your way but just in case maybe take up body building:-)
ReplyDeleteWe've had fetal alcohol babies, crack babies, sexually abused, mentally and physically abused kids, but Aspergers/Autism is by far the MOST challenging!
ReplyDeleteI wish I had an answer for you. I wish I had an answer for me. The fact is that the answer changes everyday.
He just this minute walked in and I'm getting a talk on how Pepsi and Coke are different and how Coke makes him feel crappy and Pepsi makes him feel good. (screaming in my head now)
For everything we say he has an answer, a debate, an on-going monologue.
On the other hand he is trying, he is making improvement. But I so what to run away some days.
I'm sorry I wish I had a suggestion for you. These kids try to out think us continually (big sigh)
Sorry for my rambling comment above. I'm feeling overwhelmed by him right now. I think there should be long weekend get-aways for moms of these special kiddos.
ReplyDeleteOh boy, you do have our hands full. Well, I have a son that has been that child for me. We have good days and we have bad days. Still undergoing tests for diagnosis. Prelimary testing says NVLD. Have you heard of that? Anyways, I'm sorry and hang in there. You are a good mom and will be blessed.
ReplyDeleteHi Cheryl,
ReplyDeleteI've awarded you a blog award. Please stop by my blog to pick it up.
Rachel
www.sewambitious.com
In my class I often give rigid students in my class choices such as, "You can bunny hop to your desk or gallop to your desk?" Or, "Would you like 3 more minutes to play or 5 more minutes to play?" Try giving two positive choices instead of 1 positive and 1 negative. I often find that lots of warnings help too. 5 minutes, 3 minutes, 1 minute, time to go.
ReplyDeleteI just discovered your blog through SITS, and I'm really enjoying it! I don't know a great deal about Aspergers or autism, and it's really interesting to read about (especially since it's so positive and upbeat - it seems like most things you read focus on the negatives).
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog through SITS also and Ive really enjoyed reading your posts. I have a niece with Autism and I know it's challenging. Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteWith autistic children (and ADHD teens as well!), transitions are often hard. I have found it best to give a 5 minute warning. That lets them know that a change is coming and gives them time to adjust to the idea. It helps that I wear a men's Casio watch with a countdown timer. You can't argue with a beep beep...beep beep. It helps to be very clear about things...this is what is going to happen...period.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, that's a really awesome suggestion!
ReplyDeleteI do give plenty of warnings (believe me, I've been doing this for 6 years, LOL!). Even when a timer is used, it can still be a struggle. I'm sure my daughter will be a future attorney--she can argue anything anywhere!
When Z tells me he doesn't want to go I say fine. Have a nice walk home, I'll see you later and I start walking away. He inevitibly comes running - Don't leave me here!!!! Of course, your kid has to care for this to work. Not all kids do and some know you won't actually leave them there and call your bluff. But I figure if he is safe, I can walk away and actually leave his sight so that his bluff is called. Do that enough, they won't tempt even tempt you. Though recently, he has been refusing his time outs, so I just grab his wrist and walk him to his room. No picking up for me.
ReplyDeleteJen:
ReplyDeleteI used to use that technique, but my daughter called my bluff. She did that back when she was 3. I think her exact words were, "Bye-bye, Mommy!" with a big smile on her face as I was walking off. As I said, I have a hard time staying ahead of her intellectually.
My kids do this, and I know they don't have the same challenges as your daughter, but believe me when I tell you I've done all the same things! Offering the choices, hoping they'll pick the "right" one, then having to follow through when they don't. Love PP comment about offering two positive choices. I might try that one.
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